I experienced something bad in my life recently but I can't really share it with anybody in real life. I thought about going to some psychological forum or journal, but decided that I don't know all those people who frequent them. So for a while I was keeping it inside, and then it just hit me that this gaming forum is one of the nicest forum I've seen. And maybe it's strange to share something like that in a gaming forum, but I need to share with someone and ask for advice.
A while ago I lost my friend who was very dear to me. We've been friends for a few years, and she's been the closest person I've had in my entire life. Just in case I want to clarify that it was friendship, nothing more. We both suffered from depression and from personality disorders, so we indeed had much in common and understood each other well.
I thought friendship can win anything, and I thought that I was helpful to her. Even though her personality disorder was very serious (paranoid). She could always share with me. When she thought that there were hidden cameras in her apartment we remained friends. When she thought that a host of the TV show was sharing private information about her on TV we remained friends. I believed I could help her, because I was the only person she trusted.
But then things have changed. She started to think that I've always been a spy who pretended to be her friend to gather private information about her. She started to believe I was in league with other bad people who schemed behind her back and played games with her. She pushed me away completely. For half a year I thought she'd have an enlightened moment and it would dawn on her how wrong she was about me, but that hasn't happened. I did everything I could, I appealed to her feelings, to my feelings towards her, to how much she was hurting me by stopping our friendship. It didn't help. She trusts me no more. It didn't matter to her how much I told her that I love her, that I don't want to lose her friendship. Some part of her still has little trust, so she wished me all the best "if you really aren't pretending" and "if it really is no game", but I don't need her compassion. What I need is her friendship. And it's over.
I gave up and then it dawned on me I lost the most precious thing in my life. For some the most precious thing is children or husband\wife, but I have neither, for me my friend was what kept me feeling good about living.
Now that I've said it… Can anybody advice on how to deal with this? I've never experienced such a loss before, but maybe someone else here did. Maybe you know how to live further. I've tried to play games, to imagine nice fantasies, to just behave normally, but nothing ultimately helps. I wouldn't say that it feels like I lost a part of me. It feels like I lost something outside of me, something like the meaning of life. It really is like they say: you never know what you've got until it's gone, because I had no idea how much I loved her.
If I'm not replying in this topic it's because it's too hard to talk about this, not because I'm not reading or don't care.
A while ago I lost my friend who was very dear to me. We've been friends for a few years, and she's been the closest person I've had in my entire life. Just in case I want to clarify that it was friendship, nothing more. We both suffered from depression and from personality disorders, so we indeed had much in common and understood each other well.
I thought friendship can win anything, and I thought that I was helpful to her. Even though her personality disorder was very serious (paranoid). She could always share with me. When she thought that there were hidden cameras in her apartment we remained friends. When she thought that a host of the TV show was sharing private information about her on TV we remained friends. I believed I could help her, because I was the only person she trusted.
But then things have changed. She started to think that I've always been a spy who pretended to be her friend to gather private information about her. She started to believe I was in league with other bad people who schemed behind her back and played games with her. She pushed me away completely. For half a year I thought she'd have an enlightened moment and it would dawn on her how wrong she was about me, but that hasn't happened. I did everything I could, I appealed to her feelings, to my feelings towards her, to how much she was hurting me by stopping our friendship. It didn't help. She trusts me no more. It didn't matter to her how much I told her that I love her, that I don't want to lose her friendship. Some part of her still has little trust, so she wished me all the best "if you really aren't pretending" and "if it really is no game", but I don't need her compassion. What I need is her friendship. And it's over.
I gave up and then it dawned on me I lost the most precious thing in my life. For some the most precious thing is children or husband\wife, but I have neither, for me my friend was what kept me feeling good about living.
Now that I've said it… Can anybody advice on how to deal with this? I've never experienced such a loss before, but maybe someone else here did. Maybe you know how to live further. I've tried to play games, to imagine nice fantasies, to just behave normally, but nothing ultimately helps. I wouldn't say that it feels like I lost a part of me. It feels like I lost something outside of me, something like the meaning of life. It really is like they say: you never know what you've got until it's gone, because I had no idea how much I loved her.
If I'm not replying in this topic it's because it's too hard to talk about this, not because I'm not reading or don't care.