Return of the Daily Smile
- Thread starter Arma
- Start date
Cm
Sentinel of Light
I think we may have seen this one before but it makes me laugh so here it is. 
The Doctor said, "Bob, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."
Bob was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he even had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As
he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, That's what I need...a new suit.
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The
elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see.... Size 44 long." Bob
laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
the tailor said. Bob tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Bob admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new
shirt?" Bob thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed
Bob and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck". Bob was surprised,
"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years". Bob tried
on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Bob walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?" Bob thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman
said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Bob laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34 Bob. A size 34
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
The Doctor said, "Bob, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."
Bob was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he even had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As
he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, That's what I need...a new suit.
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The
elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see.... Size 44 long." Bob
laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
the tailor said. Bob tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Bob admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new
shirt?" Bob thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed
Bob and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck". Bob was surprised,
"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years". Bob tried
on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Bob walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?" Bob thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman
said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Bob laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34 Bob. A size 34
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Bartacus
BartWatch
Hope there aren't a lot of Irish among you, but even here it's known that there are famous drinkers in Ireland.
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
Cm
Sentinel of Light
ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH ?
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door
hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the he TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door
hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the he TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
Cm
Sentinel of Light
Don't worry, I understand men do have to assume the "stance" method with age. I give you until next week at the most.
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he
asked, "Are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied.
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he
asked, "Are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied.
Bartacus
BartWatch
Still we have brains, unlike that other lifeform
There are some children in a class naming animals and they come across a picture of a deer.
So the teacher asks Bobby, “What is this animal called?”
“I dunno,” claims Bobby.
So then she says, “I'll give you a hint—it's what your mother calls your father.”
The boy thinks for a minute and then says, “Oh that's what a son of a bitch looks like!”
Cm
Sentinel of Light
This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other bathroom stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you! up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back . There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
Damn Cell phones............
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other bathroom stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you! up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back . There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
Damn Cell phones............
magerette
Hedgewitch
- Joined
- October 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
Some really good ones, CM. :lol:
This one is more geared toward the male gender:
Harold
Harold lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind
the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden.
They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have
passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred
and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"Sex!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I
held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden
where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's
manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him
sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep.
What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's!"
This one is more geared toward the male gender:
Harold
Harold lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind
the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden.
They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have
passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred
and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"Sex!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I
held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden
where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's
manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him
sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep.
What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's!"
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
Bartacus
BartWatch
That's an old one -> Suprised that CM didn't hear that one before (or it might be the Alzheimer 
)
An other one that was posted at the dot before:
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
show up naked,
bring beer.
)An other one that was posted at the dot before:
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
show up naked,
bring beer.
magerette
Hedgewitch
- Joined
- October 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
Yes, that's pretty accurate, Bart. I once heard a line from a female stand-up comedian on TV(as usual can't remember who ) about younger men:
"I like the young guys. All you need to make them happy is boobs and a six-pack."
) about younger men:"I like the young guys. All you need to make them happy is boobs and a six-pack."
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
Cm
Sentinel of Light
*Cm grabs her pen and adds a checkmark to current list with Bart's name on it.*
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt(or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt(or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."
I have noticed that the content of this thread has shown a marked downturn recently in both tone and taste!! Making fun of OLD people is not nice!!
Speaking of taste, here's some dark (or should I say "colored") humor.. a classic.
Funeral of Chuckles the Clown
Funeral of Chuckles the Clown
Last edited:
- Joined
- Aug 30, 2006
- Messages
- 3,488
Cm
Sentinel of Light
Do you mean this kind of tone?
And please, no one take offense at the use of anothers language. It is just a joke.
Ed Zachary Disease:
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a
date or any sex for over 5 years.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her so she
decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex
therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off
all your crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy
bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not
haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously , "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed
Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when
your face look Ed Zachary like your butt."
And please, no one take offense at the use of anothers language. It is just a joke.
Ed Zachary Disease:
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a
date or any sex for over 5 years.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her so she
decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex
therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off
all your crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy
bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not
haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously , "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed
Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when
your face look Ed Zachary like your butt."