Advice? How to deal with a situation of loss

I experienced something bad in my life recently but I can't really share it with anybody in real life. I thought about going to some psychological forum or journal, but decided that I don't know all those people who frequent them. So for a while I was keeping it inside, and then it just hit me that this gaming forum is one of the nicest forum I've seen. And maybe it's strange to share something like that in a gaming forum, but I need to share with someone and ask for advice.

A while ago I lost my friend who was very dear to me. We've been friends for a few years, and she's been the closest person I've had in my entire life. Just in case I want to clarify that it was friendship, nothing more. We both suffered from depression and from personality disorders, so we indeed had much in common and understood each other well.

I thought friendship can win anything, and I thought that I was helpful to her. Even though her personality disorder was very serious (paranoid). She could always share with me. When she thought that there were hidden cameras in her apartment we remained friends. When she thought that a host of the TV show was sharing private information about her on TV we remained friends. I believed I could help her, because I was the only person she trusted.

But then things have changed. She started to think that I've always been a spy who pretended to be her friend to gather private information about her. She started to believe I was in league with other bad people who schemed behind her back and played games with her. She pushed me away completely. For half a year I thought she'd have an enlightened moment and it would dawn on her how wrong she was about me, but that hasn't happened. I did everything I could, I appealed to her feelings, to my feelings towards her, to how much she was hurting me by stopping our friendship. It didn't help. She trusts me no more. It didn't matter to her how much I told her that I love her, that I don't want to lose her friendship. Some part of her still has little trust, so she wished me all the best "if you really aren't pretending" and "if it really is no game", but I don't need her compassion. What I need is her friendship. And it's over.

I gave up and then it dawned on me I lost the most precious thing in my life. For some the most precious thing is children or husband\wife, but I have neither, for me my friend was what kept me feeling good about living.

Now that I've said it… Can anybody advice on how to deal with this? I've never experienced such a loss before, but maybe someone else here did. Maybe you know how to live further. I've tried to play games, to imagine nice fantasies, to just behave normally, but nothing ultimately helps. I wouldn't say that it feels like I lost a part of me. It feels like I lost something outside of me, something like the meaning of life. It really is like they say: you never know what you've got until it's gone, because I had no idea how much I loved her.

If I'm not replying in this topic it's because it's too hard to talk about this, not because I'm not reading or don't care.

Yeah, I feel you. If I had a dollar for every crazy chick who messed with my head I could get a game on steam sale or something.

Edit:
That wasn't supposed to be insensitive. No one really knows if its actually loss or if you just have to give it time. Do you really want to go through typical phases of obsession to frustration then get over it in time for her to come around and act like nothing happened? Just imagine she's busy and do something else for a year or two.

What else has been going on, got any new games?

My first thought, based on what you've said, is that your friend might be a good deal more ill than having a personality disorder. Personality disorders do not usually extend to full delusions of the type you described - believing that people close to them are spies, that things on the television are plotting against them. At that level, it sounds more like a more serious illness, like paranoid schizophrenia. If that is the case, she needs professional attention, and the way she is behaving towards you may not be meaningful to who she is when she is well.

Do you know if she's receiving serious psychiatric attention?

The only way to get over lost friends is to find new acquaintances. So do things you like where you can meet people. Maybe you will not find a new best friend, but often it is enough to hang out with some buddies that simply share the same interests.
Music, sport, movies, clubs, cooking, books... - anything you like, but with real people and not over the internet.

Life sure throws and holds a lot of trials in ones lifetime. And it can be heard at times.

If we are a crystalline lifeforms (on a micro level we are,or so I read),then, this kind of loss must be like losing a shard,a small piece of self.
But, that missing piece can regenerate,can heal up. And so it should.
And then, the crystal shall be whole again.

It may be strange to quote a fictional character,but still, I think it suits this situation.

"You'll be alright. It's like tripping over a pebble in the road. This is no big deal.
The place you want to go is a lot father away from this. You'll be alright.
You can stand. You'll be walking forward again soon."

@SirJames, it was not only insensitive, it was sexist crap! And just in case, I'm a girl, she's a girl, and this is about friendly love, not anything else, because from the sound of it you assumed it was.

No, I don't want to wait for her a couple of years. If she really got better and realized she wanted to be my friend, I'm not sure I could be her friend anymore. Knowing that she can spiral back into delusions any time and hurt me again like this, how could I? I'm not sure.

I just feel very hurt right now. Given time, I know I'll forget her, people's feelings don't last for a lifetime, but what do I do now?

@Ripper, she is receiving serious psychiatrist attention. Unfortunately, I don't know what her doctors know. I know that she trusted only me and hid a lot of things from doctors, believing that they're spying on her.

And actually, paranoid personality disorder can worsen up until a person has delusions. I've never seen her display any shizotypical behaviors, so I doubt that she has shizophrenia. Besides, shizophrenia changes a person gradually into an unemotional slab, and she is highly emotional and active. These delusions of hers has been going on for 10 years, she told me, if that was shizophrenia then in 10 years she'd be a plant instead of a person.

@HiddenX, I guess you're right. It's just that now I'm scared that anybody else I hang out with would leave me after I get attached to them. I have avoidant personality disorder, which pretty much means I'm always insecure about people and have very low opinion about myself, and this event of loss makes my fears so much worse.

HiddenX has the right idea.

It's ok to acknowledge that you've lost something. Grieve as you need, it can be helpful. And understand that your life is going to be a little bit different - not necessarily worse, just different. If you can accept that, you're back on the road to being a happier you. It won't necessarily be easy, but you can do it.

Incidentally, Ripper is probably right - I suspect your friend may have been more ill than just a personality disorder alone. Impossible to know without evaluating them though.

Disclaimer: I'm actually a psychologist. Albeit not a specialist clinical/abnormal psychologist.

This sounds bad and I agree that professional attention sounds necessary based on the description. However if you turn someone into get help it is very hard to know how they will take it but is probably what is in their best interest even if they don't see that.

I would only recommend that you let them know that no bridges have been burned and you would welcome them back in the future and leave it at that and don't dwell. If you love someone set them free, if they come back it was meant to be. Or something like that.

You should always be your own best friend first so take care of yourself and nobody can tell you the meaning of life as that is your journey to discover. Time heals all wounds or at least you become numb to it. I would recommend finding something to focus on and as HiddenX says with other people when possible.

Furnok said:

Incidentally, Ripper is probably right - I suspect your friend may have been more ill than just a personality disorder alone. Impossible to know without evaluating them though.

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I objected to him, but in fact, maybe he's right. I'm no expert to tell. It's sad if he's right, because I know for sure she isn't using any medication (she doesn't trust it), not even simple anti-depressants. If anybody tried to cure her, they'd fail because she'd probably lie she's using the meds.

Come to think of it, I know she had at least one visual hallucination. She once saw blue spheres floating in her room. But no voices in her head or anything.

Elel said:

@Ripper, she is receiving serious psychiatrist attention. Unfortunately, I don't know what her doctors know. I know that she trusted only me and hid a lot of things from doctors, believing that they're spying on her.

And actually, paranoid personality disorder can worsen up until a person has delusions. I've never seen her display any shizotypical behaviors, so I doubt that she has shizophrenia. Besides, shizophrenia changes a person gradually into an unemotional slab, and she is highly emotional and active. These delusions of hers has been going on for 10 years, she told me, if that was shizophrenia then in 10 years she'd be a plant instead of a person.

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Schizophrenia, and several related conditions, do not always manifest in the same way. Paranoid schizophrenia, in particular, does not always come with a flattening of emotional affect. People also go through periods of being quite well, and being very ill.

PPD can cause people to reach acute delusional states, but sustained delusional thinking of that sort is not typical. PPD can also lead to Schizophrenia and other serious delusional illnesses.

I won't say any more, as I don't know anything about you or your friend, but I would just consider the possibility that her illness has become more complex.

@Ripper, oh I didn't know that about paranoid shizophrenia… It could be the case then. Too bad I can't forcefully hospitalize her, and she's so incredibly good at hiding her delusions from anybody else. Her family is completely blind to them. That said, maybe she gets even worse, and they will finally realize something.

Meanwhile it's really hard to relax here. It must be my karma, but I currently live with my mother and she has some… paranoid traits?? Not a disorder, just a character "accentuation" (sp?). It's tolerable normally, gets worse if she drinks some alcohol. She finds something to misinterprete as an insult to herself. Basically, I haven't been eating for like a week. I just don't want to, and I think it's normal in my situation. Today she apparently drank some beer and has been screaming at me that I'm a bitch because I want to humiliate her by not eating her food. She even threw it from the fridge on the floor. Seriously, if I just had anywhere else to go… And if sounds pathetic but sometimes I wish I had enough bravery to kill myself. All I want is just a small place I could call home and where I could be alone and safe, without any people to hurt me. But it sounds like I'll never have a 100% safe place like that.

I didn't really plan to write about this, but it's a big part of why I can't relax and play some game or something else. Unfortunately, two next days are holidays here, nobody goes to work, so I'll be forced to spend them in her inadequate presence.

First of all Elel I like to say that you are a good friend.Not many people would bother with someone with kind of problems.

I also ended friendship with my best friend few years back.It was due to some of his actions and my overreaction, details are unimportant.It wasn't just our friendship that ended, that changed dynamic of our little circle of friends and slowly we drifted away and group fell apart.On to the point: How I dealt with it was that I started going to events and places I don't usually go.Excitment and anxiety from doing new things kept me from thinking too much about loss and I eventually formed new friendship that way.Note that I have my fair share of social anxieties so something like that wasn't easy for me.So that worked for me.

For your friend I am not sure.Since her condition has worsened and she isn't taking any therapy have you considered contacting her doctor or her family about the problem?It sounds to me that it could end badly if she doesn't receive help.

Nameless one said:

For your friend I am not sure.Since her condition has worsened and she isn't taking any therapy have you considered contacting her doctor or her family about the problem?It sounds to me that it could end badly if she doesn't receive help.

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Unfortunately, I don't know who her doctors are, and her family won't believe me, she lies too well. My only hope is that since her situation has worsened she could slip up soon and they see for themselves that she isn't alright. If I was in their shoes I'd already have seen it, but they're so oblivious. I guess nobody wants to believe that someone close to them is mentally ill. They know she has problems, they just don't know how serious they are.

Going somewhere sounds tense, I'm actually afraid of people… I'd much prefer to spend some time completely alone, except that it isn't possible now. There was a person who offered friendship to me, maybe I'll call her in the morning and we could meet. It's just that it brings little solace to spend time away from home when I know I have to come back in the evening anyway.

This is a tough one, and I feel for you.

On one hand (correct English?) she is suffering Feeling surrounded by spies must be scary, very scary. And since her symptoms now seems to be of psychotic degree, getting through to her will be difficult, as you have experienced. I feel sorry for her.

On the other had, this is a terrible loss for you, she's no longer there for you, and she won't let you care for her.

I think it is important to keep both thoughts in the head. Witnessing her suffering, feeling deeply sorry for her - and at the same time being angry with her for failing you. That anger is allowed and absolutely acceptable.

I'll give you one example. My father died 6 years ago. I miss him dearly. But at the same time I can still feel angry when I think about it, because the last year and a half he was really a pain in the a*. In short, this had to do with how he handled my mother's debilitating disease. His stubbornness and unwillingness to accept help, made the situation worse than necessary for both of them. So at the same time I mourn him, I miss him (I even understand why he behaved like he did.), and I'm angry with him (after so many years only when I think about it). And that's OK. If I hadn't allowed myself being angry, the anger would still be there, causing me a lot of pain without knowing why.

Now, back to you. As for the future, if you at some point find back to each other again, there will remain the element of doubt. Her paranoia may get worse, and she may once again reject you. So your friendship will be a bit asymmetric. If you can live with that, it's fine, at times you can be there for her, and she can be there for you, but not always. If you can't live with that, I won't blame you. Nobody should blame you, and especially you should not blame yourself.

This is one of the times I'm sorry I'm not a native English speaker. I fear I can't find the proper words to say precisely what I mean and that my message comes through differently than intended.

Best wishes

pibbur

For me, when I get depressed, and there is a situation beyond my control, I will revert to doing some things that are normal for me. I read, go for a walk or watch TV. Play games. Take a long,hot bath. Pamper myself somewhat.
I will agree with the statement that leaving the door open for her to return but its clear she has left a hole in your heart. Maybe write her a letter about what her friendship has meant to you and how she is hurting you now. Sometimes it is better to express your self to her when she is not around. You don't have to give her the letter especially when it sounds like she will misinterpret your intent.
Who knows, she may be better the next time you see her. I think you are brave for opening up to us. From your posts, you seem like a nice and normal person.

pibbur and redman, big thanks to you.

Elel, the most important thing for you to remember is that there was nothing you could have done. I think it's a huge credit to your patience and love for her that your friendship lasted as long as it did. She's seriously, seriously ill, and nothing you could say or do could salvage a relationship with someone like that. You tried really hard, and you did it with a lot of tact, patience, and skill.

As others have said, the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept that loss the best you can, let yourself grieve, give yourself permission to be heartbroken. And as others have said, get on with life the best you can…play games, make art, write, come on here late at night and talk to us. We're here for you, all of us. You aren't alone and you don't need to be.

You're gonna get through this, and if she manages to recover, I know you'll be there for her. Your life sounds like total crap right now, and I'm so sorry that you seem to be surrounded by people who are abusing you in one way or another. But all things end, and there's absolutely light out there at the end of this tunnel.

Stay with us and never stop looking ahead.

Aubrielle, thank you *hugs*

There was this game… no, visual novel, because it's ultimately just a lot of text, called Higurashi. In English it's known as When Cycadas Cry. There was an anime made from it, but originally it's a famous Japanese set of visual novels. For a long time they've been inspiring me. The author describes paranoia, and so vividly and truthfully like he knew somebody like that or was its victim himself. In one of those novels, a sick individual manages to overcome her delusions about her friend through the power of friendship. She doesn't exactly reject her delusions, but she stops caring for them. I think I hoped for a miracle like that. But it turned out that it doesn't work like this in real life.

In cases like this words fail me. They either seem to weak or superficial.

Hitting rock bottom. The incredible aching pain, being ripped apart from the one understanding you, daily meaninglessness, memories surrounding you, fueling your glands with new tears, gloominess lurking outside even on a summery day, and that hard wall of incomprehension you hit whichever direction you go, o, the loniless. How to pass the time… struggling, for what? How on earth to open up ever again, showing vulnerability, getting attached again? Taking the risk of getting hurt, again - and then being alone, again? My, that aching pain… How much can I take?

I did not want to see others. I did not want to speak to others on the phone either. It only reminded me how lonely I was. Too painful.
My cat needed me. That was a consolation. And unlike you I had no one around, which felt good.
I did not go out, only to get some groceries. I spent my days on the internet. Talking to strangers. In a more direct way than was possible in real life. In a more consuming way than was possible in real life: hello, howdy, gimme intense and depth, if not it's bye bye - but after a short acquaintance it was nevertheless (my decisive) bye bye. I connected to people who I had never shown any interest before. I wanted to look inside their heart. I wanted them to show me their secrets. I wanted to wonder.
Some did. Some even managed to touch my heart. Which was good.
I started to take a walk every now and then again. To feel the wind, to hear the birds, to watch the sky.
I slowly came back to enjoy life again.

You have to find your own path, Elel. Maybe the solution of HiddenX will work, maybe mine - but probably yours

My modest suggestion:
Limit yourself to small steps, take one day at a time. Just think about today. Try to be sweet for yourself today. In dark times we're often not as helpful to ourselves as we are to others when it happens to them. Look for activities that are able to distract you, today. Do the nice things you'd do for a special person for yourself, today, and say the most pleasant things not to someone else but to yourself. This day. This is no time to be hard on yourself. Be your best friend. Today.

Very sorry to hear that, Elel. Losing a friend is a very difficult thing to deal with.

I lost an entire group of my close friends for a terrible incident that happened in high school. I still haven't fully recovered.

Pieces of me are still left back there, with them. I still don't know how to move on completely, and this was about 15 years ago.

Dealing with mental health issues is an incredibly important issue for us all going forward.

I think we need to raise awareness on mental health and help people get access they need to mental health recovery and solutions as soon as possible and exactly when they need it.

Thankfully, when I had a psychotic breakdown a few years ago, my mother immediately drove me straight to the hospital. In the USA, or at least in my state, a person has to manually sign themselves into a psychiatric facility to get help. Considering I had completely lost my mind at this point, getting me to sign myself in was a task in itself. Somehow, my mother's soothing words convinced me to sign in after I initially resisted.

I still consider that somewhat of a miracle to this day.

I spent 8 days in a psychiatric facility, most of that time strapped to a bed until I was able to regain my senses. I tried to kill myself. I was violent. It took about 8 people to subdue me and get me strapped to the bed.

At the time, no psychiatrist or therapist could explain for sure what triggered it. Apparently, around the age of 25 (which I was at the time), mental issues such as paranoid schizophrenia or psychosis can begin their onset on people.

Thankfully, I had this breakdown during a time when medical help was not impossible or very hard to get access to. Also, the medication existed to help me. The trip to the city hospital was about 30 minutes or more, though, as we lived in a house on a dirt road deep in the country. During this time I attempted to jump out of the moving vehicle. My mother, miraculously again, saw me try and pressed the automatic Lock button on her door to stop me before I did it.

I don't know if this story helps at all, but I thought I would share it.

For my mom, she slept in my bedroom and cried the entire time I was hospitalized. I can only imagine how it feels to see that happen to your son, your friend, your family member.

I'm sorry for your situation and can only hope that we can raise awareness for the future so mental health issues can be eradicated and there is a solution and treatment for all who need it.