Return of the Daily Smile

http://hubpages.com/hub/Funny_Food_Names_-_List_and_Pics

I can't believe they picked on Ausie biscuits.... not funny (I think the others are though).

@Cm. I did try it, yes I fell for it, and now realise I really do need to slap myself. Not as funny as the one my other half fell for. There was a "magic" show on TV (I think the guys name was Paul Zenon) and he was pretty good. Then he did a "think of a card thing" but asked you to pick two cards. I'm thinking "he's on TV, ain't falling for this". The guy on the TV then says "you are thinking of the Queen of Hearts and the Ace of Spades". Genius sitting next to me says "oh my god, he picked my cards". The guy on the TV then says "now most people will be sitting there thinking I'm an idiot, but for that one person thinking I got his cards, it was worth it." I nearly wet myseld laughing and couldn't breathe for about 5 minutes after that.

For recent developments in the USA, I found a funny cartoon

subtle one

Kayla your story ranked up there with any of the jokes we have posted here. :lol: :lol:

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, ''Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?'' She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, ''No, I won't sleep with you tonight...you pig ''

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table with a red face. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, ''I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations.'' To which he responds, screaming at the top of his lungs, ''What do you mean $200 for a BJ?''

:lol: Good one Bart. :lol:

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY COW.. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION... WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three-second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH….THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

The guy should just have waited til his wife got home--if that's all he bought her for their anniversary, I'm sure she would have been happy to test it on him for at least 3 seconds.

Now we understand why Dte wouldn't vote for Obama; the Tazer scrambled his brains!!

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

What does it mean to be a good person or a hero?

"Everything the Communists told us about Communism was a lie. Sadly, everything they told us about capitalism turned out to be true."

(Bit of wisdom circulating in Moscow these days, or so I hear.)

@PJ: That almost belongs to our political thread

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio

"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer

"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio

"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.

"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

Calculated Risk had a nice collection of mixed metaphors about the financial crisis. You know, things like Ben Bernanke playing whack-a-mole with his finger in the dike while sailing in uncharted waters. Or a sudden slow-motion chain-reaction train wreck on the tip of an iceberg. A freezing-up of the markets that caused a meltdown. A self-feeding downturn that became entrenched. That sort of thing.

(Edit: and let's not forget the fascist octopus that spreads its bat-wings before singing its swan song.)

(Edit: and let's not forget the fascist octopus that spreads its bat-wings before singing its swan song.)

Click to expand...

Somehow I feel it should be all about Putin rearing his head in it's air space, also.

RE: newspeak on the financial crisis, here's a few I wrote down in amazement:
Wall St was "hamstrung by the externalities" because the policy of de-regulation "straddled the nexus" of fiscal irresponsibility and greed, and trying to stop the meltdown was therefore like "pushing on a string."

These are just too old to not make you smile.

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'
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Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said.
'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

-----------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to theEmergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,
'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.
-----------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says,
'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'
Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
-----------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he
answered.
What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'OOPS'
-----------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

The last one was obviously the personal experience of Cm!!

Perhaps this belongs in P&R, but then again maybe not.

Love that one, PJ!

I agree, very clever.