Nyx
Goddess of the Night
Hi Watchers, today is not a good day.
In fact, there has not been many good days lately. My head feels like a vortex of pins and needles. One bad emotion after another piercing my mind constantly. Present issues are being amplified by past issues ending up in a seemingly endless circle I can't find a way out of. It's just all chaos.
There are so many dark, empty memories in my life. So many memories I cannot remember anymore, both good and bad ones.
My childhood was filled with endless mental bullying, my youth was ruined by the fact that I did not realize just how broken it had made me and my adulthood is torn by trying to piece myself together while new issues try to find their way in this seemingly cozy home for them. I want to try working myself back so much, but it's so difficult. Things people take for granted in their everyday life is a real struggle and it's so frustrating. This is why I wanted to help out the watch team, to feel accomplishment helping out with games articles. But I find myself unable to do anything, I can't play a game without losing attention. I can't read a book without losing attention. I can't do daily chores without running off to try do something to keep my mind busy on something that can make me forget everything.
Sure, there is help out there and I do see my psychologist once a week and the government keeps a roof over my head and food in my belly for as long as I'm unable to work but I still feel so alone with it all. I've spent so much time in the darkness alone that I've lost contact with all my close friends and I find it hard to get in touch with them. I find that I blame myself cuz I never try to get in touch with them so why should they? Heck it's been years since I've had a proper talk with what used to be my closest friends. But still it's difficult, not having anyone that can see when I'm having a bad day to give me a hug or a shoulder to cry on.
It's not that I don't know that people care, I know they do. It's just that there is nobody here to show it.
Maybe that's why I'm posting this, in a wide open forum for everybody to read. Maybe I just need some attention. Maybe that will help mend it all for a while.
In fact, there has not been many good days lately. My head feels like a vortex of pins and needles. One bad emotion after another piercing my mind constantly. Present issues are being amplified by past issues ending up in a seemingly endless circle I can't find a way out of. It's just all chaos.
There are so many dark, empty memories in my life. So many memories I cannot remember anymore, both good and bad ones.
My childhood was filled with endless mental bullying, my youth was ruined by the fact that I did not realize just how broken it had made me and my adulthood is torn by trying to piece myself together while new issues try to find their way in this seemingly cozy home for them. I want to try working myself back so much, but it's so difficult. Things people take for granted in their everyday life is a real struggle and it's so frustrating. This is why I wanted to help out the watch team, to feel accomplishment helping out with games articles. But I find myself unable to do anything, I can't play a game without losing attention. I can't read a book without losing attention. I can't do daily chores without running off to try do something to keep my mind busy on something that can make me forget everything.
Sure, there is help out there and I do see my psychologist once a week and the government keeps a roof over my head and food in my belly for as long as I'm unable to work but I still feel so alone with it all. I've spent so much time in the darkness alone that I've lost contact with all my close friends and I find it hard to get in touch with them. I find that I blame myself cuz I never try to get in touch with them so why should they? Heck it's been years since I've had a proper talk with what used to be my closest friends. But still it's difficult, not having anyone that can see when I'm having a bad day to give me a hug or a shoulder to cry on.
It's not that I don't know that people care, I know they do. It's just that there is nobody here to show it.
Maybe that's why I'm posting this, in a wide open forum for everybody to read. Maybe I just need some attention. Maybe that will help mend it all for a while.