Return of the Daily Smile

[Cm]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."


3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

 

[txa1265]

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

And if he acts like a total ass ALL the time, he has "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION DISORDER", which affords him special protections under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

 

[Cm]

The cure for that disorder is an opthorectotectomy. That is when the doctor severs the nerves connecting your eyes to your ass to improve your shi**y outlook on life.

 

[dteowner]

Good ones, folks. The "Appalachian American" one made my white board, which I use to make people smile and ensure I never get a promotion.

 

[Cm]

Maybe your bosses need the surgery Dte?

 

[dteowner]

No, I'm probably the crank that needs your surgery, cm. Now, the whole inversion disorder...that they've got in spades, but that's kind of a requisite for management types, isn't it?

 

[Corwin]

A great group of quotes. I know many people who fit most of them!!

 

[Kayla]

OJ "I'm Not Guilty but I'll write on book on how I hypothetically killed her" Simpson. That man is as guilty as sin and it's a shame they can only get him for stealing and they can't prove beyond a reasonable doubt her killed her.

 

[magerette]

If my husband sees this, I will soon be getting a T-shirt that says "LIGHT HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY" on the front and "VERBALLY REPETITIVE PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION" on the back.

RE: the Juice--maybe it's a publicity stunt for the new book. He can autograph it "Love from cell block 5"

 

[Bartacus]

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

 

[titus]

great ones bart :d

 

[magerette]

Those are funny and mostly totally right Bart--except for the Natural one--I've seen some men who are definitely not at their best in the morning...

 

[Bartacus]

Those are funny and mostly totally right Bart--except for the Natural one--I've seen some men who are definitely not at their best in the morning...

But I think nobody has ever seen a woman looking as good as when she went to bed.

 

[Corwin]

They are ALL perfectly correct; great list!!

 

[Cm]

Subject: Viagra


Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.

He asked about using one of the pills. The son said" I don't think
you should take one Dad they're very strong and very expensive". ;

"How much?" asked Grandpa. "$ 10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care,"
said Grandpa,"I'd still like to try one.
And before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said,

"I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is a second joke for the road today. And please no one take offence.

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

 

[magerette]

This one's got it all; golf, blondes and genies:

A Husband took his beautiful blonde wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. ou see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

Wow, that's great!" the husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the leas t I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

" NO SHIT ." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

 

[Corwin]

I think the blonde was CM in disguise!!

 

[txa1265]

I don't know if we've had the full list ... marketing explained

1 . You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich, marry me!” - That’s Direct Marketing

2. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: “He’s very rich, marry him.” -That’s Advertising

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: “Hi, I’m very rich, marry me - That’s Telemarketing


4. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: “By the way, I’m rich. Will you marry me?” - That’s Public Relations

5. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: “You are very rich! Can you marry me?” - That’s Brand Recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich, marry me!” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That’s Customer Feedback

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich, marry me!” And she introduces you to her husband. - That’s demand and supply gap

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: I’m rich, will you marry me?” and she goes with him - That’s competition eating into your market share

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: “I’m rich, marry me!” your wife arrives. - That’s restriction for entering new markets

 

[Bartacus]

I think the blonde was CM in disguise!!

Can't be, she could never pass for someone of that age :lol:

A political joke for our friends from GB:

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.

 

[Corwin]

Sounds about right to me!!