Return of the Daily Smile
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Cm
Sentinel of Light
Really old joke but still funny. :lol:
SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated..
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do! not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
13) And figure out how to correct this announcement you made.........................
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated..
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do! not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
13) And figure out how to correct this announcement you made.........................
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
Cm
Sentinel of Light
I figured you would enjoy that one Corwin. 
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Bartacus
BartWatch
Why? Do you want to be the owner? 
While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
“Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you.”
“When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion,” she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.
“I’m curious though,” he said, “Where did the thirty dollars come from?”
“Oh that, ” his wife replied, “Well, when soybeans hit five dollars a bushel, I sold out!”
While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
“Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you.”
“When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion,” she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.
“I’m curious though,” he said, “Where did the thirty dollars come from?”
“Oh that, ” his wife replied, “Well, when soybeans hit five dollars a bushel, I sold out!”
Cm
Sentinel of Light
Good one Bart. :lol:
"True Friendship"
(With none of that Sissy Crap!!!!)
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our friendship.
1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask ?, "Because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! (don't send it back to me...I don't want to hear it!!!)
And remember....when life hands you Lemons, get some tequila and salt and call me!
"True Friendship"
(With none of that Sissy Crap!!!!)
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our friendship.
1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask ?, "Because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! (don't send it back to me...I don't want to hear it!!!)
And remember....when life hands you Lemons, get some tequila and salt and call me!
magerette
Hedgewitch
- Joined
- October 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
Another one of those list things--I tried to delete those we have heard before;of course this is assuming I can remember that I have heard them before
:
Here are a few things to think about:
1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
4. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
5. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
I've often wondered abut this one:
6. What disease did cured ham actually have?
7. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
8. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
9. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
10. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then use expensive binoculars to look at things on the ground?
11.Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
12. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
13. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
14. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
15. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
16. If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
18. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
19. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
:Here are a few things to think about:
1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
4. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
5. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
I've often wondered abut this one:
6. What disease did cured ham actually have?
7. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
8. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
9. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
10. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then use expensive binoculars to look at things on the ground?
11.Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
12. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
13. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
14. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
15. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
16. If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
18. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
19. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
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roqua
Sentinel
- Joined
- October 18, 2006
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21) If we are not supposed to eat dolphins because they are so inteligent, we can't we eat retards?
22) Why do girls want their ass to look attractrive but get offended when strangers compliment them on having a nice one?
22) Why do girls want their ass to look attractrive but get offended when strangers compliment them on having a nice one?
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Cm
Sentinel of Light
23: Why when we see a list like this do we moan and groan yet we read every one of them just incase?
Bartacus
BartWatch
22) Why do girls want their ass to look attractrive but get offended when strangers compliment them on having a nice one?
The compliment is more or less ok, it's that slap on thier behind that makes it offending, Roqua.
The compliment is more or less ok, it's that slap on thier behind that makes it offending, Roqua.
Cm
Sentinel of Light
For some reason I thought about Bettman when I read this one.
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." to which the little girl replies,
"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." to which the little girl replies,
"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
dteowner
Shoegazer
Good one, cm. I altered it a bit to cover an ongoing fiasco at work and emailed it out. They should be able to process my walking papers by tomorrow.
magerette
Hedgewitch
- Joined
- October 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
(My spouse worked in the Wastewater Treatment labs at one time, and there was one thing you could say about those guys--yep, they really knew their shit. )
Moving forward, there are some really silly and fairly tasteless puns in here:
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
)Moving forward, there are some really silly and fairly tasteless puns in here:
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
- Joined
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- Messages
- 7,834
Bartacus
BartWatch
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
roqua
Sentinel
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- 474
Goddman I love this thread. I don't have much to add worth adding and to prove it I'll add something:
A mushroom walked into a bar and ordered a dink. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."
And the mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy."
A mushroom walked into a bar and ordered a dink. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."
And the mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy."
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