Return of the Daily Smile

[Cm]

I won't say a word roqua. lol

How about I post this one in your name.

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955 ! " She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,

"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
(Don't you just love military time?!)

 

[txa1265]

Goddman I love this thread. I don't have much to add worth adding and to prove it I'll add something:

A mushroom walked into a bar and ordered a dink. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

And the mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy."

I've always liked that one ... but realized that it just isn't funny as I was explaining it to my kids years ago when they were little ...

Mushrooms are a fungus, and the plural of fungus is fungi - get it 'fun guy' sounds like fungi' ... sound of crickets chirping ...

 

[Corwin]

People who tell jokes like that, should be PUNished!!

 

[roqua]

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

 

[magerette]

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." the piece of string walks out the door, twirls himself around in the dirt and traffic and walks back in. "Didn't you hear me?" says the bartender. "We don't serve pieces of string here. Aren't you a piece of string?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."

 

[roqua]

A grasshoper walkes into a bar, sits down, and the bartender see's him and says excitedly, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" And the grasshoper goes, "You have a drink named Bob?"

 

[dteowner]

Bob the Grasshopper. That's almost bad enough to lock the thread, roqua.

 

[Cm]

MAKING A BABY...

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied.

"And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes...... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.......

 

[titus]

good one

 

[Corwin]

Digital is so much LESS fun!!!!

 

[Bartacus]

Good one CM!

Q: How many US Attorney Generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: I cannot recall that particular answer at this time.

 

[Cm]

Good one Bart!

Now this may be a bit off color so if you are too young, cover your eyes.......

The Thingie

There was a man who really took care of his body.
He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day.
One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed he was tan all over except his "thingie."

So he decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed and
Buried himself in the sand, except for his thingie;
Which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were walking on the beach, one using a cane.

Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up in the sand,
She began to move it around with her cane.
Remarking to the other lady, "There is no justice in The world."

The other lady asked what she meant.

She said, "when I was 20, I was curious about it."
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on
The beach and I'm too old to squat.

 

[Corwin]

And I will carefully make no comment about which group CM belongs to!! After all, she's a deeply religious woman!!

 

[Cm]

I am also somewhat rich and enjoy life to the fullest.

Corwin has now contributed to global warming by causing the loss of trees for my lists and making me use all the time!

 

[magerette]

I was looking for some advice to live by, CM. First the duct tape,now this...

 

[Bartacus]

Oh, CM, just forget about it!

 

[Cm]

Bart do I need to take you out to the Barn and teach you a few lessons again??

 

[Bartacus]

I always love a whip being handled by a woman

And in the light of my answer to you:

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.

''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

 

[Corwin]

Now that is FUNNY!! CM, don't ask me to explain it...AGAIN!!

 

[Bartacus]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"