Return of the Daily Smile

[Cm]

One for the men (I felt like I had to give something back to Bart )

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a man?
A: Because 90% of the men who do their own laundry are looking for a women to do it for them. The other 10% are expecting a visit from their mother this week.

Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars a pleasant place for a women to spend time with a man?
A: It's the latest in gps directional finders. He can finally ask for directions in private and she doesn't have to yell at him for three hours to stop and get a map.

Q: Why are mens hangovers fun for women?
A: It is the only time we ever have using the vacumm cleaner .

Q: Why do men have larger hands than women?
A: So they can hold on to the remote, the beer, and a bag of chips and still use the recline option on their chair.

Q: How do you know when a man's about to say something stupid?
A: When he opens his mouth.


Men are like dogs. You can't always house break them, but they still think they are free if you let them out now and then.



Scientists have discovered a drink that makes men handsom, brave, great lovers, and the life of the party. There's one problem, men are the only ones who can see the results. Women still see the same idiot they always knew.

Men however continue to hope that one day the effects of beer will be permenant, if they can only drink enough.

 

[Bartacus]

Absolutely not true, CM, none of these. (I'm what one would call a bad looser) The larger hands thing refers even to something else. Some are saying it's the feet, but I remember a certain friends episode explaing that a mans hand stands to the size of sth else too.

Btw, how can you know when a woman says sth smart? When she starts her sentence with "My husband said ..."

 

[Cm]

Protest all you want Bart, but it will not change the facts. :lol: :lol:

 

[dteowner]

Now now, Bart. I had an aunt that gave me this bit of wisdom after she had had more than a few adult beverages:
"Know your place in the relationship. It's usually best to be under your wife."

 

[Corwin]

That sounds kinky to me!!

 

[dteowner]

I believe the term is "double entendre". Keep up, old man.

 

[Bartacus]

double entendre -> double to listen, to hear?
Don't know what you mean by that term, Dte, but I can imagine that under the wife the best place is.

 

[dteowner]

A hint
Definition #2 would be the key in this case.

 

[txa1265]

Since Garrett just had a birthday, old age jokes seem appropriate

OLD WANTS never die, they become needs

OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of time

OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind

OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind down

OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever

OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged

OLD WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballed

OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip

OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over

WALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animation

 

[Corwin]

I believe the term is "double entendre". Keep up, old man.

At my age, that gets more difficult every year!!

 

[Cm]

For a second ...........no this is a pg site. Never mind.

 

[magerette]

Forgot:
OLD TRUCKERS NEVER DIE they just get a new Peterbilt.

 

[Cm]

These really have a lot of truth to them

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to Me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

-----------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you..."

--------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

_______________________

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said -

Well, you succeeded.

______________________

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea...

you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

_______________________

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said -Turn sideways and look in the mirror

______________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

_______________________

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

__________________

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

 

[Arma]

I know it is bad to make fun of other people, but ...

Idiotic ‘Millionaire’ Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever

Kathy Evans, the single dumbest contestant to ever get on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"

NEW YORK – Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.”

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing “the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.”

After being introduced to the show’s host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:

“Which of the following is the largest?”
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

“Hmm, oh boy, that’s a toughie,” said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. “I mean, I’m sure I’ve heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.”

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

“Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!” exclaimed Evans. “Darn. I think I better phone a friend.”

Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

“Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I’m on TV!” said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. “Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.”

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

“Come on Betsy, are you sure?” said Evans. “How sure are you? Puh, that can’t be it.”

To everyone’s astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend’s advice and pick ‘The Moon.’

“I just don’t know if I can trust Betsy. She’s not all that bright. So I think I’d like to ask the audience,” said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, ‘The Moon.’ Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

“Wow, seems like everybody is against what I’m thinking,” said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. “But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let’s see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I’m going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.”

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

Vieira thanked Kathy Evans for coming on the show, and tried to make her feel better about winning zero dollars. But after the cameras stopped rolling, she stood up and smacked her across the face.

“How could anyone be so stupid?” shouted the irate Vieira to cheers from an approving crowd. “Get out! Get out of my studio this instant you stupid idiot!”

As Mrs. Evans left the studio, she was jumped and beaten by several angry audience members. She is currently listed in critical condition at Mt. Sinai Hospital.

 

[VPeric]

Wow... no comment.

 

[Bartacus]

Strange, the intitials of miss Evans don't match with "CM".

 

[Cm]

Now that really hurts Bart.
( Cm now looks for her PEN and Bart gets that special RED STARbeside his name!! MUHAHAHAHA)

Now back to the program:


In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

 

[Corwin]

Cute, definitely cute!!

 

[dteowner]

Just remember, they don't put on a warning if someone hasn't done it...

 

[Cm]

That is more terrifying then funny if you reread the list.